**Update: False alarm. No worms. Made for a good story though.**

(Alternative Title: Katie, help.)

Well, I’m not real sure where I should start….should I start with a little background on my germophobia or should I start with how my birthday has gone? Because the end result is still the same: PC is on his way to the ER with Nathan.

We’ll go with good news first. I still dont really feel like the next time someone asks my age I will have to say “thhhhhh-irty” but Im sure I’ll get used to it. I went running (walking) with the kiddos this morning and then we got coffee with the Starbucks gift card sitting on my pillow this morning. I missed any and all calls today because the Air Force (in their defense, this is something Congress has mandated, for reasons I can’t even begin to understand) decided to screw everyone over by changing our phones to Verizon and Guess! What!? They don’t work. Verizon sucks enough in the US, Im so glad someone deemed them worthy enough to handle international calls for the military. I could write you a novel on the wonderful ways your tax dollars are wasted put to use. But thats a story for another day.

When I went to drop Nathan off at school I saw a familiar face waiting there for me asking if I wanted to go to lunch. I told him I just had breakfast…..why didn’t he call me? I wouldn’t have eaten breakfast if he had called me and told me! To which he promptly reminded me that WE HAVE NO EFFING PHONE SERVICE, REMEMBER? (PC made it his sole mission today to make sure that the Air Force was well aware of how colossally stupid this choice was). So, I couldn’t really blame him for not giving me a heads up for his lunch plans and we went anyway. I came home and worked on some sewing projects, folded a mountain of laundry, enjoyed the quiet. Nothing out of the ordinary, but thats ok too.

PC said he was going to come home early and make dinner. He made an excellent grilled vegetable medley using local potatoes, carrots, and green beans, and then made steaks on the grill. We were going to have Banana’s Foster for dessert, but, this is where the story stops.

I’ve been pretty clear about my extreme fear of vomit on this blog. Its sort of been reaching critical mass lately and PC has suggested I might want to think about going to talk to someone about it because honestly, its starting to interfere a bit with daily life. Aside from vomit I can deal with most illness, but Im a little obsessive about germ spreading and hand washing and sharing cups and whatnot. I just hate sickness. Well thats not true, I can handle snot nose, cough, ear infection, and strep fine and Im pretty ok with fever but thats where my comfort level ends.

So you can imagine how thrilled I was when I self diagnosed my son with Pinworms while PC was making dinner. Oh, I know, you’re thinking dissss-guuuuuus-tiiiing. Go ahead, Google it, no, let me. Im right there with you, but when you come to this blog its because you want the real story. And so here it is. About 2 or 3 nights ago Nathan was about to get in the tub and started telling us his butt itched. We attributed it to a case of “notwiped” and moved on. He did it the next night so we put some good ‘ole fashioned diaper cream on it. And then today as we were coming home from school he let out this sort of shrieky whine telling me, “I CANNOT SCRATCH MY BUTT because I’m buckled in this carseat.” So, as much as I did NOT want to have to take him to the doctor for a case of scratchy ass I figured I better start consulting Dr. Google. And because we’re all about full disclosure here I was having a bit of trouble figuring out just WHAT to Google. “Child with scratchy butt?” “Child itching butt?” “Causes of anal itching in children?” Aside from diaper rash the number one cause of scratch ass in kids? Pinworms. Out-effing-standing.

You know, I don’t think I could ever be someone who homeschools their kids but let me tell you, the amount of childhood illness and NASTY that is out there and shared in a school environment is a compelling reason to consider it.

We are like a textbook case of pinworms. Its most common in preschool age children. Its highly contagious in close environments such as schools. It is easily transferred by toys. Its more likely in children who bite nails or suck their thumbs. Check check check.

Folks, this is going to be like lice. Its not going to kill us, its not even going to make us sick, but its going to be a bitch to get rid of. Dr. Google says ALL family members must be treated. Lest we become the itchy-ass family (seriously- how embarrassing?) And then my head starts swirling thinking about breastmilk safety, treating my sweet baby girl with worm pills (is it even safe for her?) and, my personal favorite, cleaning the toilet seat after EACH USE, AND washing all bedding and towels DAILY. Oh yeah, its a birthday wish come true.

I was actually just thinking the other day that I wish that someday I could find a way to stop being a nail biter. This may just do the trick. Here is what happens: child touches contaminated surface and gets pinworm eggs under his finger nails. Child then ingests them by not washing hands before eating or sucking thumb. Eggs take up residence in small intestine and hatch in about 3 weeks. Female pinworm makes her way through the intestine and then at night makes her way to her exit and lays eggs at night in that special spot….up to 10,000 at a time. The egg laying creates severe itching. Infected child itches egg laden bottom and then touches something where the eggs can survive on a surface for 2-3 weeks. New person touches that surface and the cycle continues.

I told PC I’d take Nathan to the doctor tomorrow and PC felt that since Nathan was uncomfortable we should start medicine sooner rather than later (and being in the military, medical care is free, trips to the ER are free, so whatev). So, no dessert, no curling up watching a movie together. Like I said, its not how I envisioned my 30th birthday panning out, but if nothing else it will certainly be a memorable birthday.

Filed under: Nate the Great, its not just good-its just good enough, someday you'll look back at this and laugh...someday