Wheeew….where do I start? Holy shit. (Katie- you’re going to love this one). We all remember my thirtieth birthday right? And then it was determined that the whole pinworm thing was a false alarm- I had gotten the Rx filled but never gave it to Nathan and never really thought twice about it again.

So, can you just imagine, (Just EFFING IMAGINE) how my heart skipped about 18 beats when we got home tonight and I lifted the toiled lid in Nathan’s bathroom to find that it had not been flushed (no wait- that isn’t the gross part yet) but it was TEEMING with little worms. Ha, no I am not SHITTING YOU. HUNDREDS OF WORMS swimming around in there. We are all well aware of my aversion to vomit….but I kind of wanted to vomit a little. Both kids were asleep and PC was downstairs and panicked, I was all, “PC…….geeeeeeeeeet uuuuuup heeeeeeere” in the tone of voice that sent him not walking, not running, but flying up the stairs.

OMG OMG OMG OMG: this was all I could think. Worms-we-all-have-worms-OMG-un-EFFING-believable-we-all-have-worms-OMG-whatamigoingtodo?” OMG…. Me=panic stricken. Honestly- all I could think about again is WASHING everything and my sweet baby girl having WORMS and my sweet boy how I love him but am totally disgusted at the thought he has WORMS. So, I did what I had to do and it involved a q-tip and a baggie double baggies. And a camera. And 6 hand-washes afterwards.

Im really feeling the need to let my inner sailor out (my brother would be proud I think). Son of a BITCH. Im staring at this baggie of little gray and black worms as they are wrigling around in my baggie and BLECH. And even though they were double bagged- where the EFF do I put them? They are residing on the washing machine….it was the most neutral place I could think of and I will bleach it tomorrow.

After I carefully stowed our new pets I immediately turned to dr. Google. I googled pinworms again and my pets just dont resemble pinworms. They look like little leaches with nevermind, I’ll spare you the details. Anyway- I googled human parasites and went through image after image not quite finding a match. Then, thank the Lord, much like the pine nut debacle, one google hit caught my eye: Moth Larvae Cause a Stir in a Bathroom Toilet. A-EFFING-Men. See those pictures at the bottom? Those are my pets. They came from one of those stupid flies that Nathan always freaks out about when they are in the bathtub. WHO KNEW? To quote Clark W. Griswald Jr. “Hallelujah, HOLY SHIT.” You have no idea, NO IDEA how relieved I am that: PINWORMS, TREATMENT OF is not something I have to add to my to-do list this week.

Now, right about now you might be thinking “giiiirl,….you have way too many worm related issues- false alarms or not. Disgusting.” I don’t know what to say, this is real life and you read this blog because you want the real story, good bad or otherwise. Im a germaphobe and while I may not always be the NEATEST person, I think I do a decent job at keeping toilets scrubbed, floors vacuumed, trash emptied, and the house (mostly ?) worm free. Plus- I have my secret weapon Kimmy.

I had no idea those little moth/fruit fly looking bugs in the bathroom posed such a PROBLEM. We dont have many of them, maybe one a week and usually they are in Nathan’s bathroom….probably because its used less often so they can reproduce in the pipes. What I WILL add to my to-do list is figuring out what needs to be done to keep them at bay- lest we come back from being gone for the entire summer to have our house overtaken by worms. Enough already, Im grossing myself out.

Alright, must go pour more bleach down the toilet and make a note that tomorrow’s project will be reminding Nathan the importance of FLUSHING THE TOILET.

Mom and Dad….I’ll see you soon and I need a drink.

Filed under: Lloyd: "Thats what we're gonna call it: I Got Worms!", its not just good-its just good enough, someday you'll look back at this and laugh...someday