Here’s the short version: what do you do when you are at a crossroads in life. Two totally different paths, both with great pro’s and con’s, but you have to pick one or the other?

And forgive me in advance- I haven’t had time to proofread this. Children can’t be ignored any longer.

Lets start back at the very beginning because since we had this talk the last time (on the old blog) we’ve had some new friends join us. As mentioned the other day PC and I both went to school in Colorado, once we finished school he was working as an engineer and I was working for Wells Fargo. Sept 11 happened, PC got laid off. He found another job later that fall that paid well but it was a small (read: volatile) company. He started bringing up the idea of the Marine Corps which I was initially strongly against. We bought a house. I loved my job but we knew that kids were on the horizon. He was worried about being the sole provider given his company/industry at the time. He continued to bring up the Marine Corps, I saw it as a win-win (I would be able to stay home with the kids and not work). I had a really really hard time with leaving Colorado and our friends there. And, to a small extent my job (I think I maybe/possibly would have tried to continue working- even with kids really really part time or as a temp if someone was sick/on vacation etc.) Because of this we agreed to keep our house there and that way, after his initial commitment of 3 years if one or both of us wanted to get out we could hang up our hats and we’d still have our house to move back to. PC was commissioned in August of ‘04.

We lived in Virginia for about a year and a half and then moved to Japan in Dec. ‘05. We’ve been here ever since. Our initial commitment to the Marine Corps ended last year. We opted to stay longer for many reasons I wont get into, but at the time it was the right decision. Because we are doing back to back tours overseas the military pays for a trip home (hence, the travels this summer- thanks taxpayers!) We are scheduled to move in Dec of 2011.

After deciding to stay here for another 3 years and after all we’ve been through in the last 5 years I had just sort of resigned myself to the full 20. For those of you not well versed in military you can retire after 20 years, retirement pay begins right away and you have full medical benefits for life. Its really a pretty sweet deal in that regard. PC and I would be 45 and, probably, if we are smart with our money, wouldn’t have to work again. Though, Im sure PC would work, just because he might go bonkers without something to do. We just passed the 5 year mark, we’ve got 15 to go. And, its easy to say this right now, when things are going good, (those of you who have been around for awhile know that there have been extended periods of time where things have NOT been good) but I was really ok with this just being our life. It took me a long time to get to that point. And again – this is easy to say when things are going along swimmingly.

But every time we go back to Colorado….usually its just hard for me. Last time we went home (summer of ‘07) there was the inkling that we would get out and move home. And then we didn’t. But this time, I knew it wasn’t in the cards so, while I was sad, it just….it just is what it is. However, this time, without ANY comments, without ANY prompting it was my husband that was reconsidering. He met up with one of his good friends that continues to offer him a job….and everytime the pot gets a little sweeter and, I mean this in the nicest possible way but I think he’s one step away from begging PC to come work for him. And the really swell part is that the day PC was having lunch with him he had said he would be back at 2pm and then Vivian and I could go do something, the two of us. So at 4:40 when I hadn’t heard from him I was getting a little PEEVED. It doesn’t help any that Vivian and I feed off each other because sometimes our husbands can be birds of a feather in this regard. So, I called him and was like “Where are you? you haven’t even left yet? Leave now.” It seems I cut them off in the middle of their “if you come and work for me this is what I can offer you” conversation. So…yeah. Not great timing.

I was even slightly more irritated that he was late because he was having this job-offer conversation which at the time I thought was completely irrelevant. “Oh what– so you are getting out of the Marine Corps now?” NOT AFTER WE SPENT A YEAR FIGHTING ABOUT IT. Don’t even tell me that. So we’re at Vivian’s house and Im crying and we’re wrangling kids and Im thinking holy shit….what just happened here? Wait…you can’t be serious? Because I finally just got to a point where I was good with what we were doing and I was on board for the 20 and Semper Fi, yada yada. And now you’re reconsidering. Sob.

So, that brings us to the present. And let me tell you, I’ve been running every morning these last few days (oh yeah- did I mentioned I gained 5 damn pounds this summer? Worth it I think.) We’ve been waking in the 5am hour (AND KIKI IS SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT CAN I GET AN AMEN?) so I go run before PC goes to work. Every morning this is what weighs on my mind. Do we stay in? Do we get out? How do you decide? Because the path’s are so vastly different. And the thing I keep telling myself, the thing that is so hard is that there are no do-overs in life. Its not like 15 years from now, once we’ve done the Marine Corps thing and we’re retired and our kids are gone that I can be like “yeah…..I wish we could have raised our kids in Colorado. I wish we would have gone camping and hiking and they could see their grandparents at the holidays and they’d be rooted in one place.” (note: did anyone else just feel that earthquake here?) I don’t want to live with regrets.

The real problem is that one option is not far superior to the other. In fact, I’d even say they are equal. But we have to pick one. And Im having trouble weighing the pros and cons. So how does one decide? I also try and look at what the future will be and yeah…. like I think about schools and how in the Marine Corps these are the places you can be stationed: Okinawa, Iwakuni (Japan), Hawaii, Southern California, Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina. Thats pretty much it. The [public] schools in Hawaii are atrocious. California- same. North Carolina- not much better. South Carolina- not sure on that one. Virginia- excellent. Overseas–DODDS schools are very good. So, the writing on the wall is that our kids will probably have to go to private school at least in some of the places we live. And while as a Captain PC makes good money, its not enough to afford $10,000 tuition for a private school. I also, especially after this summer seeing everyone’s beautiful houses and driving past our old house and coming back to the freaking shoebox we call a house have been in a pissy mood about living in 1100 sq feet of space. Yep, its probably matieralistic. Yep- I know that some people live in a cardboard box but friends, I have HAD IT with the cement bungalow. HAD IT. 4 people in this house with ZERO storage space is not working. Our friends were talking about how much they enjoy riding bikes as a family. We wouldn’t know because if we want to EXTRICATE our bicycles from the closet we call a storage area they won’t easily go back in. And a trailer for the kids? Forget it. Unless we want to store that under our kitchen table. Nathan desperately needs a new bike because he’s outgrown his. Where will we store that? His current little bike is just in the kitchen, in front of the washer. No- theres no “nook” or anything. Its exactly as I described it. In the middle of the floor, right in the way of traffic. But there is no other option– if we keep it outside it will either get stolen (like our neighbors who had their jogging stroller stolen right off their porch) or, more likely, is it will be entirely rusted in about 3 weeks. I have at least 4 laundry baskets full of stuff to get rid of. And right now the two baby carseats and a stroller and bouncy seat are clogging up kiki’s room waiting for the flea market but its just….I dont know, even with getting rid of a massive amount of stuff, I just feel like the walls are closing in on us. My point with this long drawn out saga is that I have to accept the fact that we’ll never have a big beautiful house like we used to. In the states yes, we could rent something bigger. True. But you can’t do much to a rental to “make it yours.” The whole espresso machine with a line into the plumbing. Im guessing that wouldn’t happen in a rental. Neither would a complete kitchen upgrade! But we can’t buy anything because lord knows doing the rental thing? That can kind of suck. And if you do the rental thing on an expensive house– when you are the one stuck covering the mortgage payment if you can’t sell it. That kind of sucks too. (note: I swear its not just the jets…..the little brass handles on the furniture are shaking again. Mini-earthquakes?)

Here are probably the two things that make me cling to the Marine Corps: 1)free healthcare 2) pride. If we do get out I told PC he should stay in the reserves. 15 years of reserve time and its still a good retirement. The pride? Im not sure you can get the same thing anywhere else. Being in the military, or more correctly, being a military family is one of the things Im most proud of. While I know I am not the one who wears the uniform, I think every military spouse would agree with me that its most definitely a joint effort and we contribute a lot too. Weather it be making dinner for the Marines in the barracks, hosting extra people at the holidays, or being a single parent for weeks or months on end, and running a household entirely on your own, we bear the burden too. Trust me when I say I don’t always do it with a lot of (any?) grace, but I’ve at least proven that I can hack it.

We’ve met some unbelievable people. We live next to people that wake up and fly $30 million dollar jets for a living. We have friends that are in the sandbox fighting the fight right now. We’ve lost one close friend already. We have another friend that was in the infantry and has actually killed people (bad guys of course). Im not sure entirely how I feel about that- but still. Its not like we are surrounded by anything mundane I guess is what Im saying. And I get that there are LOTs of great people in this world, but I wonder- will I regret not being surrounded by these people? These people that so selflessly put their lives on the line. These families that are so quick to lend a hand when you need it most.

Most of all will I miss the person that its made me (or forced me at times)? I’ve been shoved out of my comfort zone and let me tell you that this girl from Iowa never thought she’d be living on a little island in Japan, married to a Marine. Its humbled me, its made me appreciate what I have. Its been eye opening visiting some of the places I’ve gotten to go- places I would not have seen otherwise. Its made me care a lot less about keeping up with the Jones’. Its made me a better person. Its also made me bat-shit crazy at times (see also: 1100 square feet of living space).

We have some time to figure things out— I’m not sure if we have to ride out the rest of our 3 years here or if we could leave sooner than that. Technically the only thing the Marine Corps has “given” us that would obligate us is our trip home this summer which we technically haven’t been paid for yet (we paid for it and once PC turns in the paperwork will be reimbursed for it). There has also been a pilot program where you can take a leave of absence from the military for up to 3 years. But I think its only in its pilot stages and it could be awhile before it materializes, if it ever does.

Like I mentioned before, there is no clear winner in this case. I will be sad if we leave the Marine Corps, just like Im sad everytime we go back to Colorado. Vivian told me her Dad tells her (and I think my dad has said the same thing) nothing is ever 100% right or 100% wrong. Its just hard because I could go either way. There are things about both lifestyles that would make me exceedingly happy, and there are things that I would dislike about both.

When we drove into Rock Creek where our old house was we had to get gas at Safeway. Thats the Safeway my brother worked at when he lived with me the summer PC was at OCS. It was a really fun summer. And off to the right was where we had our first apartment. And there was the lake we would take Sandy for walks by. And also our first apartment there on the right? It was bigger than our current house. AND it had a two car garage. And as we drove up the road I just started sobbing. And PC was rubbing my leg trying to console me and part of me is thinking, its just memories. You are just remembering all these good times and its making you sad. But the other part of me is thinking- if you’re so freaking UPSET about not being here, maybe you should figure things the hell out and DO something about it. When we were with Vivian and she and I were leisurely flipping through magazines while our kids played I just kept thinking about how, maybe in some other life, this could be reality. Spending time with one of my  best friends, just like it was any other normal day, watching our kids play, discussing great recipes. In my mind, there isn’t much that can top that. Maybe if she had an espresso machine plumbed into the water line. But that would be the top.

It might also be worth mentioning that its Colorado or bust. If given the choice between the Marine Corps and somewheretown, USA? I’d take the Marine Corps. Colorado is the only place that I want to be, and if we can’t be there, then we should stick with the MC. So, Im so confused. Before, when PC and I were going around and around it was because I was unhappy with the Marine Corps. I didn’t want to be here “one second longer” I once told him. And now, Im at peace with it. Its fine. But there is also this other really really really great option that continues to present itself. I do believe in signs and  I do think there is a higher power up there working and I just wonder what to make of that….and the fact that PC’s job (the one he just started 2 months ago) has now been ripped out from under him (through no fault of his own- the military continues to make more jobs civilian/GS jobs which is what happened to his)….maybe its a sign.

So, tell me your thoughts. I know there are quite a few of you who are/were military. Im going to be sad if I don’t see lots of comments because if YOU can’t solve my problems, who can?

Filed under: Colorado and Mountains Make Me Happy, Military Life, This Is My Life