Occassionally, when I have nothing better to do (and really, that just means Im too lazy to be folding the laundry I should be folding, instead putting it off until just before PC gets home) I will look at property there. And I think it serves two and only two purposes 1) too see just how unaffordable everything is and 2) to upset me, make my heart sink and make me question the path we’ve chosen.

I love my life, I do. I think I find happiness and fulfillment and joy and grace and humility and gratitude in just about every day. But sometimes I wonder- if we moved back there- would I find even more of that? I was talking to my sister-in-law about this and her take is that ‘you can never go home again.’ That the things we loved would just be different now- we’re in a different stage of life (kids) and things would just be different. But maybe thats the point. After all, we’re different. We’re not the same people that left in 2004. We’re better people. We’re more humbled, generous, simple. We’re more experienced? traveled? Im not sure what the right word is there, but I sometimes wonder if we had to go to the far reaches of the Earth just to find out that we are supposed to end up exactly where we started from.

I had emailed one of my close friends about my property searching telling her that it was totally irrational, what I was doing, “isn’t it, iSN’T IT?” That I just need to keep reminding myself to stay the course. Just fourteen more years and we’ll have the freedom to do whatever we want. We’ll be 45 years old and won’t have to work anymore….we’ll have health insurance and a paycheck for life. Its a deal you can’t beat. My friend told me there is nothing “JUST” about 14 more years. And she’s right. This chapter of our lives (kids, family) will be closing. Nathan will be 19 and Mackenzie 16- we’ll almost be empty nesters. And really- who knows what life may throw at us before we reach that day 14 years from now. Its sort of do-or-die in that regard. There aren’t any second chances. There are no do-overs. I think that is the thing I wrestle with the most- you only get one chance to live this day. I love what we’re doing at the moment. I love where PC is at at the moment and  I love having my own parking spot (I don’t think I mentioned that on the blog did I? Well, I do. I may not have an ice maker in my freezer but I do have my own parking spot at PC’s office.)  I love the places we’ve gotten to go and all the things we’ve been able to see. Life is great (and to be clear- I have no regrets, and I think joining the Marine Corps was the best decision we’ve ever made) but I do wonder; maybe we’re missing something and don’t even know it? I guess that’s the  great quandary of life isn’t it?

Im sure a lot of this is stemming from the fact that its just time to get off this rock. We’ve been here for an awfully long time and right now, any place that isn’t sandy and tropical seems far more like ‘home’ than here….

This will always be home....

...no matter how far away we are.

Her chubby little legs are gaining speed but she can’t quite pull off a run yet. A fast walk, maybe even a trot but any faster than that and she topples over. But if Nathan says, “Im gonnnnna gettcha” she takes off “running” as fast as her legs can carry her, he runs the other direction and somewhere they meet in the middle, he starts laughing, she has a huge grin and starts squealing like a little piglet. I wish I could bottle that kind of pure joy. Crap, forget bottling it, I don’t even have a good video of it yet!

I just took a shower and put on my most favorite PJ’s, the ones from Marc and Viv. I have a cup of hot tea and Im trying to enjoy the soft light from our new lantern light from Ikea but we are having a major bug problem with- I don’t know, I’ve heard people call them flying ants? Anyway- those bugs are flittering away in the lantern so there is a soft yet annoying sound emanating from the lamp.

Both kids were fantastic today. Nathan has been especially lovey-dovey and these are the days where the mom thing pays in dividends. Today at the commissary there was a small carton of pumpkins! already and I couldn’t pass it up. I love seeing how excited Nathan is just by having a pumpkin! on the coffee table. Simple treasures.

Today we made cupcakes. In halloween wrappers with orange frosting and autumn sprinkles. Mackenzie was asleep and Nathan was hugging me and squeezing me and telling me how much fun it was that we make cupcakes together. I usually let him eat batter before I add eggs and today was no different. I scooped him up a healthy amount and put it in a bowl with a spoon for him. Chocolate-faced he tells me Im the greatest mom ever. (There you have it- a bowl of cake batter puts you among the mom-elite). We also worked on a little banner for Mackenzie’s party and Nathan, my faithful little crafting assistant sat there patiently, often trying to “help” which internally I was like “JUST BACK UP” but constantly reminding myself: he just wants to help. He just wants to be involved. He just wants to be with you. I should be so lucky to have this. He told me what beautiful fabric I picked out and what a beautiful craft I was making and would I ever make something like this for him on my “sewer” (sewing machine)? We worked on a Halloween craft I picked up at Michaels when we were home this summer- you stuck foamie pieces on a spooky house and as Nathan stuck the shutters on he put them over the windows instead of next to them- “so you can’t see anything scary.” He helped me unload groceries today- running back out to the car “darefoot” (barefoot) as he calls it. Have a I mentioned how much I love 4? They are just so charming and endearing and loving and actually able to articulate it. Much like babyhood, I hope it doesn’t go too fast.

And speaking of the baby, Im painfully aware of just how many days it is until Saturday. Until B-day. Its so silly really, whats the difference between 365 days and 366? And I think what it really boils down to is that you cross a threshold. There’s no going back. You’re officially not considered ‘baby’ anymore and its hard to not be sad about that. She’s become such a big girl in just the last few weeks. Pulling up on everything has made her seem more toddler-like and less baby. She is fascinated with the shoes in the front hallway and its gotten to the point now that if I look at her and say, “what does Mama say?” she smiles big, shoe in hand, and shakes her head “no.” My little stinker. Today I was in the kitchen and from the family room Nathan asks, “Where is Mackenzie? I hear her splashing.” Of course I came running out to find her playing in the toilet. The one her brother forgot to flush. Thankfully it was only pee. She was having a grand time until mom came and wrecked it. It makes me a little sad to see her embrace her toddler-ness, like today when I shut the dishwasher- much to her dismay, which sent her flailing back, arching, laying down on the kitchen floor crying. We’re already on our way to being a “two-two-two-year old”, as my niece Kaitlyn would say.

I wish there were more days like this. More days that you (are able to) take it all in. And fewer days with whining, and puking, and strep. On that note, Im going to take my tea, be cozy in my PJ’s, and go watch our new favorite show: The Vampire Diaries.

2) Having Nathan insist I get him ready for bed and practically clinging to me, telling me how much he loves me and Im the greatest.

3) Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. Laugh if you will- it gets results.

4) Planning a birthday party for a special girl who’s turning 1. (And letting that be justification to buy these.)

5) Weekends. We love having dad around.