I bought a box of angel food cake mix. Despite my adherence to making things from scratch I do buy cake mixes….(but I don’t buy brownie or muffin mixes… so I don’t know why I don’t make cake from scratch, anyway.) So after I popped it in the oven I quickly glanced at the ingredient list because I was curious how powder + water + mix = FOAM?

The reason folks, is that they put potentially cancer causing soap bubbles in it. Pfft. For the love of all that is holy…..shit, I guess this Iowa girl is going to have to become a FREAKING John-Deere tractor driving FARMER because the grocery store no longer sells FOOD anymore. They sell products that are food-ish. Gah….its scary….no I mean it, its seriously, seriously scary. WHAT THE HELL ARE WE EATING?

I’m reading Michael Pollans “In Defense of Food” and it is outstanding. His whole point was driven home tonight with the Devil Angel food cake debacle. Im also working on a cookbook…who knows if I’ll ever get around to finishing it but if I do, you might want a copy. I think I might title it “Eat This if You Want to Survive.”

Thanks Betty effing Crocker for putting soap bubbles in my cake mix. I fed that TO MY BABY TONIGHT.

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Nathan keeps insisting its going to snow here. He assured me “that on Christmas, just you wait mom, there will be snow.” Yeah….but, no really, there won’t. How can you keep the kid from being heartbroken when he thinks Christmas and snow are inextricably intertwined. “How will Santa land if there is no snow?” I don’t know, I guess he’ll have to strap some water skis on the red sled.

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We had family pictures taken at the beach today; you should care about this only because it will mean for the first time in forever that my Facebook picture might! change! I know. Hold onto your hats!

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Im feeling…unsettled? unsure? about Christmas shopping…..I don’t know what Im getting for anyone. Thankfully, Nathan and I made his gifts for everyone about two months ago so I won’t be cutting and gluing with him last minute trying to come up with something (“oh….a pipe cleaner ornament? You shouldn’t have.”) What do you want for Christmas this year? Oh, for the love of god leave me some comments, tell me Santa what you want. Can’t you see Im bored?

Separate but related: Nathan asked if he ate all his dinner if he could have a dog for Christmas. Negative ghost rider that pattern is full-ll.

So, can you just imagine, (Just EFFING IMAGINE) how my heart skipped about 18 beats when we got home tonight and I lifted the toiled lid in Nathan’s bathroom to find that it had not been flushed (no wait- that isn’t the gross part yet) but it was TEEMING with little worms. Ha, no I am not SHITTING YOU. HUNDREDS OF WORMS swimming around in there. We are all well aware of my aversion to vomit….but I kind of wanted to vomit a little. Both kids were asleep and PC was downstairs and panicked, I was all, “PC…….geeeeeeeeeet uuuuuup heeeeeeere” in the tone of voice that sent him not walking, not running, but flying up the stairs.

OMG OMG OMG OMG: this was all I could think. Worms-we-all-have-worms-OMG-un-EFFING-believable-we-all-have-worms-OMG-whatamigoingtodo?” OMG…. Me=panic stricken. Honestly- all I could think about again is WASHING everything and my sweet baby girl having WORMS and my sweet boy how I love him but am totally disgusted at the thought he has WORMS. So, I did what I had to do and it involved a q-tip and a baggie double baggies. And a camera. And 6 hand-washes afterwards.

Im really feeling the need to let my inner sailor out (my brother would be proud I think). Son of a BITCH. Im staring at this baggie of little gray and black worms as they are wrigling around in my baggie and BLECH. And even though they were double bagged- where the EFF do I put them? They are residing on the washing machine….it was the most neutral place I could think of and I will bleach it tomorrow.

After I carefully stowed our new pets I immediately turned to dr. Google. I googled pinworms again and my pets just dont resemble pinworms. They look like little leaches with nevermind, I’ll spare you the details. Anyway- I googled human parasites and went through image after image not quite finding a match. Then, thank the Lord, much like the pine nut debacle, one google hit caught my eye: Moth Larvae Cause a Stir in a Bathroom Toilet. A-EFFING-Men. See those pictures at the bottom? Those are my pets. They came from one of those stupid flies that Nathan always freaks out about when they are in the bathtub. WHO KNEW? To quote Clark W. Griswald Jr. “Hallelujah, HOLY SHIT.” You have no idea, NO IDEA how relieved I am that: PINWORMS, TREATMENT OF is not something I have to add to my to-do list this week.

Now, right about now you might be thinking “giiiirl,….you have way too many worm related issues- false alarms or not. Disgusting.” I don’t know what to say, this is real life and you read this blog because you want the real story, good bad or otherwise. Im a germaphobe and while I may not always be the NEATEST person, I think I do a decent job at keeping toilets scrubbed, floors vacuumed, trash emptied, and the house (mostly ?) worm free. Plus- I have my secret weapon Kimmy.

I had no idea those little moth/fruit fly looking bugs in the bathroom posed such a PROBLEM. We dont have many of them, maybe one a week and usually they are in Nathan’s bathroom….probably because its used less often so they can reproduce in the pipes. What I WILL add to my to-do list is figuring out what needs to be done to keep them at bay- lest we come back from being gone for the entire summer to have our house overtaken by worms. Enough already, Im grossing myself out.

Alright, must go pour more bleach down the toilet and make a note that tomorrow’s project will be reminding Nathan the importance of FLUSHING THE TOILET.

Mom and Dad….I’ll see you soon and I need a drink.

Last fall when I outgrew the Capa and got the Harrier, PC reminded me what a nice car I now drove and encouraged me to keep it cleaner than the trashed out Capa. And he was right. Im not even a car person and I Luh-HUV my car. If it weren’t for the fact that I think it would be a pain in the ass to go through a drive through (and maybe cause a lot of confusion as to what side of the road I should be on) we would consider bringing it home. Even though its 10 years old, it has only 40,000 miles (I know, I KNOW) and it is super fun to drive. I only wish we had somewhere we could punch it a little more because its a nice car- but also a fast car. I could only dream of owning a car like this back home (I assure you, I wont. I refuse to pay that much for a car) so I’ll love this one while I have it. So, you’d think with that in mind, the inside of my car wouldn’t look the way it does. Its like I tell PC- I only have two hands to carry stuff in, and usually I feel the baby should go in one of them.

Pretty outside:

Don’t be deceived :

Lets see….first we’ve got two strollers. No, not a double stroller, just two strollers. Because if one is good, two must be better. An inflatable seal. One lone unused baby wipe. Three bags of beach misc. Most of them contain WET towels/suits. Only upon going out to take these pictures did I realize it was all still in the car. Otherwise I probably wouldn’t have realized it until the car reeked of mildew. Pleasant, I know. Thankfully in Okinawa, that wouldn’t take long.

The front seat is looking outstanding actually. This is the best its been in awhile, and this is only because I was sitting in it this weekend. The black bag has taken up residence there. Its what used to be the diaper bag. But I decided Im done carrying a 40lb diaper bag, looking like Im some sort of homeless mom, having stained bibs and goopy spoons spilling out of it. Back to the seat itself- normally there is a healthy amount of trash, random rec’ts, junk mail, sippy cups, “handups” (you know, those are when the child in the backseat says “here mom…..mom……here…..take this.” And “this” could be almost anything….half eaten breakfast bars, sticky popsicle sticks, wrappers, a slice of apple from a week ago, a lone raisin, a mushy cracker,  a cheerio that was stuck to the baby’s thigh, snotty kleenex, etc.)

I bought this backseat organizer, not so much to be organized (as you can clearly see) but mostly to keep the seat clean because Nathan insists on putting his feet on the seat. Its junky though. My favorite part is the section with 16 little slots for crayons. That might be practical if you lived in, say, Alaska where the inside of your car never gets hotter than 75 degrees. I’d love to know what genius designed that. Random comic book that some mildly crazy lady in the shoppette gave Nathan (while trying to give me movie suggestions), and a healthy amount of sand. It blends in. So do the crumbs.

The picture doesn’t really do justice to the center area that is filled with random toys, books and a clothespin. The basket on the floor has a random pair of shorts, a sweatshirt (useful in summer), a shopping cart cover and a blanket. Also, worthless infant neck pillow about to fall out of door.

Again, the picture doesn’t do it justice because you can’t see the sticky film that was sprayed all over this area when I opened a bottle of juice for Nathan that was, unbeknownst to me, carbonated….and it had been dropped in the store multiple times before purchasing. I wiped it out once but there is still some residual. A detailing might be in my future.

I’ve tried some different things; trying to clean it out once a week, keeping a spare shopping bag that I can load up all the riff-raff in every day and then, in theory, emptying it out and bring it back (empty) to the car. As is evidenced by the pictures, Im still looking for the perfect ‘method’ of keeping the car clean.

Imagine my surprise when 12 days later I get a package from the Gap. And Im thinking “I haven’t ordered anything….?” and I open it and it is the package that had been stuffed inside the box. It was unopened, had the same (used) postage, unreturned, no explanation- just mailed back to me. I emailed them immediately, at a complete loss, and told them I couldn’t begin to understand why they sent my RETURN back to me, but none-the-less what do I do now? I asked them to ship me return labels and they said “sure, we’d be glad to, it will take 5 business days. And oh by the way- your return is due in 8 days.” And I wrote back and said, SURELY you cannot hold me to the 45 day return rule given the circumstances….you know, like how I already RETURNED the package and you sent it back to me. What part of that is that my fault? And their response was “Sorry. Get it back to us before the 45-day deadline and we’ll accept it. If its after that, we’ll just return it to you.”

My next email to them began with: This is totally unacceptable. I would have used UNSAT to borrow a term thrown around this Marine household but I figured the average Sue at the Gap may not have grasped it. I said that, actually, YES THEY WOULD take my return, and if they didn’t then I would have no choice but to dispute the items on my credit card. I also asked that this be escalated to a supervisor since I was getting no where with the minions.

I get an email this morning from Susie supervisor. I think my favorite part of that email was the part where she told me she had reviewed the entire chain of emails and has to believe that the only plausible explanation for this is that the US Mail opened the box and returned the bag to me. Did you get that? A US Postal worker decided that today was the day they wanted to commit a felony by opening a box of ill-fitting clothing and provide some back room customer service for the Gap by separating packages, mailing one to me, one to them. Please. I call BULL SHIT. First of all, they would have had to cut through the mailing label to open the box. So I’d like to think that some lightbulb of a worker would have noticed that, hmm, I don’t know? the BOX HAD BEEN TAMPERED WITH. Also, if the box was going to be opened by some postal worker it would be to STEAL SHIT not to sort the inner contents and re-mail them for FREE. Furthermore- that would also mean that it took an INORDINATE amount of time for it to get from the post office back to me. The amount of time it took is more along the lines of how long it took for the Gap to get the box, somehow flop my package back in the “to mail” pile and for me to get it a week later. I did consider the box getting caught in some weird customs issue or the box getting damaged and needing to be repacked or something but when those things happen there is ALWAYS a note or a sticker or something explaining what happened. No, in this case, there was some worthless Gap worker on the other end that didn’t know what to do with, *get this*, TWO returns in one box. His brain may have exploded a little and my shit got sent back to me.

So- what would you do? I feel totally justified in disputing these charges on the credit card (its like $300 worth of stuff). In fact, Im pissed enough that I sort of want to just say forget it on the mailing (because Im going to go have to pay the postage AGAIN this morning) save myself the $40 on shipping knowing that these items are just going to get returned to me and dispute it today. But I won’t….I’ll let this all play out.

On a separate but somewhat related topic. I’m having someone make a necklace out of some jade beads PC got me in Burma last year and while searching for ideas I found these rings. Im in lurve. And I think once I get my freaking money back from the gap, I’ll have enough to buy one. But then I wont, because I’ll suffer from such indecision over what stones to get. Typical.

(Alternative Title: Katie, help.)

Well, I’m not real sure where I should start….should I start with a little background on my germophobia or should I start with how my birthday has gone? Because the end result is still the same: PC is on his way to the ER with Nathan.

We’ll go with good news first. I still dont really feel like the next time someone asks my age I will have to say “thhhhhh-irty” but Im sure I’ll get used to it. I went running (walking) with the kiddos this morning and then we got coffee with the Starbucks gift card sitting on my pillow this morning. I missed any and all calls today because the Air Force (in their defense, this is something Congress has mandated, for reasons I can’t even begin to understand) decided to screw everyone over by changing our phones to Verizon and Guess! What!? They don’t work. Verizon sucks enough in the US, Im so glad someone deemed them worthy enough to handle international calls for the military. I could write you a novel on the wonderful ways your tax dollars are wasted put to use. But thats a story for another day.

When I went to drop Nathan off at school I saw a familiar face waiting there for me asking if I wanted to go to lunch. I told him I just had breakfast…..why didn’t he call me? I wouldn’t have eaten breakfast if he had called me and told me! To which he promptly reminded me that WE HAVE NO EFFING PHONE SERVICE, REMEMBER? (PC made it his sole mission today to make sure that the Air Force was well aware of how colossally stupid this choice was). So, I couldn’t really blame him for not giving me a heads up for his lunch plans and we went anyway. I came home and worked on some sewing projects, folded a mountain of laundry, enjoyed the quiet. Nothing out of the ordinary, but thats ok too.

PC said he was going to come home early and make dinner. He made an excellent grilled vegetable medley using local potatoes, carrots, and green beans, and then made steaks on the grill. We were going to have Banana’s Foster for dessert, but, this is where the story stops.

I’ve been pretty clear about my extreme fear of vomit on this blog. Its sort of been reaching critical mass lately and PC has suggested I might want to think about going to talk to someone about it because honestly, its starting to interfere a bit with daily life. Aside from vomit I can deal with most illness, but Im a little obsessive about germ spreading and hand washing and sharing cups and whatnot. I just hate sickness. Well thats not true, I can handle snot nose, cough, ear infection, and strep fine and Im pretty ok with fever but thats where my comfort level ends.

So you can imagine how thrilled I was when I self diagnosed my son with Pinworms while PC was making dinner. Oh, I know, you’re thinking dissss-guuuuuus-tiiiing. Go ahead, Google it, no, let me. Im right there with you, but when you come to this blog its because you want the real story. And so here it is. About 2 or 3 nights ago Nathan was about to get in the tub and started telling us his butt itched. We attributed it to a case of “notwiped” and moved on. He did it the next night so we put some good ‘ole fashioned diaper cream on it. And then today as we were coming home from school he let out this sort of shrieky whine telling me, “I CANNOT SCRATCH MY BUTT because I’m buckled in this carseat.” So, as much as I did NOT want to have to take him to the doctor for a case of scratchy ass I figured I better start consulting Dr. Google. And because we’re all about full disclosure here I was having a bit of trouble figuring out just WHAT to Google. “Child with scratchy butt?” “Child itching butt?” “Causes of anal itching in children?” Aside from diaper rash the number one cause of scratch ass in kids? Pinworms. Out-effing-standing.

You know, I don’t think I could ever be someone who homeschools their kids but let me tell you, the amount of childhood illness and NASTY that is out there and shared in a school environment is a compelling reason to consider it.

We are like a textbook case of pinworms. Its most common in preschool age children. Its highly contagious in close environments such as schools. It is easily transferred by toys. Its more likely in children who bite nails or suck their thumbs. Check check check.

Folks, this is going to be like lice. Its not going to kill us, its not even going to make us sick, but its going to be a bitch to get rid of. Dr. Google says ALL family members must be treated. Lest we become the itchy-ass family (seriously- how embarrassing?) And then my head starts swirling thinking about breastmilk safety, treating my sweet baby girl with worm pills (is it even safe for her?) and, my personal favorite, cleaning the toilet seat after EACH USE, AND washing all bedding and towels DAILY. Oh yeah, its a birthday wish come true.

I was actually just thinking the other day that I wish that someday I could find a way to stop being a nail biter. This may just do the trick. Here is what happens: child touches contaminated surface and gets pinworm eggs under his finger nails. Child then ingests them by not washing hands before eating or sucking thumb. Eggs take up residence in small intestine and hatch in about 3 weeks. Female pinworm makes her way through the intestine and then at night makes her way to her exit and lays eggs at night in that special spot….up to 10,000 at a time. The egg laying creates severe itching. Infected child itches egg laden bottom and then touches something where the eggs can survive on a surface for 2-3 weeks. New person touches that surface and the cycle continues.

I told PC I’d take Nathan to the doctor tomorrow and PC felt that since Nathan was uncomfortable we should start medicine sooner rather than later (and being in the military, medical care is free, trips to the ER are free, so whatev). So, no dessert, no curling up watching a movie together. Like I said, its not how I envisioned my 30th birthday panning out, but if nothing else it will certainly be a memorable birthday.

So…now what?

(*I dont know why other is listed twice)

Also, I loved the video that Katie had on her blog and it totally reminded me of earlier today when I took Nathan to go get a smoothie. For those of you who are new, I used to have a Honda Capa and upgraded to a Harrier because the Capa couldn’t hold two kids, a stroller and a gallon of milk all at the same time. So as Nathan was climbing out Mackenzie’s side of the car, climbing heroically over a pile in the back seat he asks me, “Mom….why did we get this new car- is it so it could hold more crap?” Yes. Precisely. Because this car can hold two kids, a stroller, a gallon of milk AND crap.

Im feeling pretty walled in these days. When my parents visited they insisted I not buy ANY more furniture. I kept trying to explain to them that I bought the things I had under the premise that we would be leaving after 3 years. If I had known we were staying I may have been a little more choosey. I’ve even contemplated selling some of the pieces I’ve bought because I have found things I like better…..who does that? Today I passed up a beautiful desk/table and Im still stewing over it. It was new (antique but new in the store) and Yuki told me with her Chinese accent “this beautiful desk….from capitol….I found in Beijing.” And just the way she said Beijing made my heart beat a little faster. But there was just no where for it to go– no where that I could stand having it for the next 3 years.

I feel like with the 4th family member that our 1100 square feet of house sort of imploded. If we had a basement or a garage or just a small area for storage we would be so much better off. Part of me feels like we’re trapped by our possessions, the other part says 1100 sq feet is just not enough room. Period. Ive thought about getting rid of our fairly large coffee table because when Nathan lines up his planes and Sandy is flopped on the floor there is no room for Mackenzie to spread out on a blanket. I’ve thought of getting rid of the Pottery Barn knock of kitchen we had made and paid a fairly pretty penny for because Nathan doesn’t play with it that often and what?, are we really going to save it for another 2 years until Mackenzie is ready to play with it? Im not sure I can do it. I hate that it clutters up an entire corner as it is. Im sure my husband would like to edit this to add in something about the ottoman I bought and he’s never liked. How long is THAT going to take up space in our family room?

There are so many things that Im inclined to part with and yet I think “well, if Im just going to have to buy it again….” Nathan has a little table and chairs set in his room. I’ve never really loved it but PC got it in the Philippines for the right price and it served its purpose well. He no longer uses it. Ever. He’s probably too big to even fit his legs under the table. Mostly it just gets piled up with crap and looks like a hideous mess. I’ve (unilaterally) decided to get him a desk. (Hey, PC, isn’t it a great idea–get Nathan a desk?) He likes to color or work on the preschool workbooks I have for him. Its all about “preparing himself for his career as a pilot.” Since the table and chairs are just wasting space I’ve decided to give them the big heave ho at the next flea market (oh yeah, PC, did I tell you we’re going to the flea market when you get back?) But then I think….Mackenzie will use them, I should save them. I tell myself this with way too much stuff….these boy blue jeans? Mackenzie can wear these. The Brio train stuff…..Mackenzie might love that. And I just have to get out of this rut. Because really- she isn’t going to wear the boy jeans. And really, she’s going to get a cute white table and chairs set in order to host the perfect tea party up in her room, even if I have to pay double shipping from Pottery Barn, because, just because. And the trains….alright I’ll save a few. But probably- she isn’t going to love trains.

I’ve slowly started going through the house one drawer, one cupboard, one basket at a time and weeding through things. Im not exaggerating when I say its having an impact on my mental health to just always have clutter all over. Its stressful, its unpleasant to look at, its embarrassing when friends come over to have your house look like Pee-Wee’s playhouse and with everything else I have to fill my days Im tired of spending so much of it always picking up. Im making a concerted effort to keep on top of things more and I think the less stuff we have, the easier that will be. Sort of like a New Years resolution type deal. I’ve started taking before and after photos to track my progress.

This weekend’s project (weather provided): the front yard. Im tired of the weeds. I enjoy gardening. Nathan enjoys it and it looks nice to come home to. (Steph- no need to remind me of the “Rock Garden” that never was…..)

Step 1: purchase flowers