I called PBK this morning and surprise surprise they won’t ship it either [sob]. Oh you guys, I love Japan. I really really do and yes, this is materialistic and petty but Im SO OVER not being able to get what it is I want.

Im racking my brain trying to think outside the proverbial box on how to get something table-like here. I saw a great Chinese antique table the other day but I cringe a little at the thought of letting my kids color and paste all over it. Plus- the antique Chinese don’t do the adjustable leg thing. And before you remind me of our weight issue, Im purging at the same time– the baby glider and ottoman are going, books are going, some dishes are going–I’d say we have 8+ boxes of stuff exiting. Either way, the kids need somewhere to play, let me present exhibit A- the play area mess. Except this isn’t a mess- this is actually as ‘picked up’ as it gets.

Yes, I know it looks terrible. No paint, nothing on the walls, the messy bookcase. The loose plan at the moment is to swap the bookcase out (put it in the family room or Nathan’s room) and use our two gov’t bookcases (not exactly pretty but functional) and it would look like something Pottery Barn(ish) with bookcases with neatly organized baskets and then a playtable behind the couch. Thats the hope. What we have right now? Its depressing.

*the end table you see in the 2nd picture- that gov’t bad boy is going back to the warehouse.

think brain think:
-PC is headed back to DC for a conference soon and PBK doesn’t stock the playtables in their stores so I thought of him shipping it home but he has to be able to get it first.
-find some military family moving here soon, send it to them and have them pack it with their stuff. I don’t know anyone moving and Im not sure I’d trust someone in that situation-plus- it would be MONTHS before it got there.
-see how much it costs to ship it FexEx international.
-try and figure out that FedEx smart-ship business.
-pray to the furniture gods
-PC’s friend is in the Philippines right now so Im sure he could take a picture to the people who made the kids’ kitchen to have them make us a table, but we’re still stuck on how to get it back here (PC doesn’t have as many pilot connections anymore to get them to load it on one of the planes).
-build a table out of all the cardboard boxes floating around our house. I guess our house will look like a junk hole college apartment forever. Oh Pessimism, I love you.

Come on internet- THINK…..what can I do? Does anyone [echo echo echo] have any connections at PBK or Land of Nod or FedEx or maybe just a boat they will be crossing the Pacific with in the next few weeks? Please help.

This afternoon was not one of our better days. The straw that broke the camel’s back was catching Nathan stand on my laptop (it survived). That was followed by an entire batch of burnt pancakes for dinner (“mom whats for dinner?” me: “burnt pancakes” Nathan: “but I don’t want burnt ones.” me: “…sorry?”), me hitting the batter bowl and flinging a wisk along with a splatter of batter all over the floor etc.

This was also coinciding with a brewing lovers quarrel between the Captain and I. Here we go with airing out our dirty laundry. PC and I have really only one thing that brews a squabble. Some people fight about money or sex or family. Ours is time communication. We’ve been together for 14 years and it’s the same old thing every time. This morning he told me he thought he’d be home early. Early to me means anytime before 6pm. I called him late this afternoon (4:00 to be exact) and he said he would be home at 5:15. 5:15 came and went and PC rolled in at about 6:04. To be clear, what I find upsetting is not the actual time that he gets home- I know there are times has to work late. Its the total breakdown in communication….there was no update to let me know that 5:15 was not his ETA. So, here Im wondering where the heck he is, batter is flying all over the kitchen, my brand new laptop is getting trampled on and I just totally loose it. Im sobbing in the kitchen and as soon as I see him drive up I high fived it and told him to enjoy the burnt pancakes with the kids. I’m done for the day. Or better yet- could someone just fire me?

A few minutes later PC came up (well aware that he…oh whats the politically correct way to say this….whatever- he knew he was wrong) and let me know that Karma got even, he deserved this, and I might thoroughly enjoy what he was dealing with downstairs. Behold, exhibit A:

The identities of certain individuals have been disguised in this picture

Folks- its not food. Let me repeat: the substance streaming down her seat onto the chair is not dinner. Im guessing it may have been breakfast.

I actually thought I felt better today than yesterday so I took Nathan to school, tackled some projects around here while Mackenzie napped, went into work, got the mail, ran to a store out in town and then asked PC if he wanted to pick Nathan up from school so we could all meet for lunch. So he did. Im not sure what kid he picked up, but other than the fact that he answered to the name “Nathan” I wasn’t sure he was ours. He was nothing like the happy kid I dropped off this morning. You might as well have told him the world was ending because thats how he reacted to the fact that we weren’t having chicken nuggets for lunch. Everything went downhill from there. PC left to go back to work, Nathan went barreling out the door after him. I figured he was just out on our sidewalk until two (count them TWO) neighbors came over to tell me my kid was wandering down the street. I leave Mackenzie playing on the floor, run outside after Nathan where he proceeds to throw a fit and I carry him (all 47lbs and what 48″? of him) and he’s kicking and thrashing the whole way. I get back to the house where I find my daughter about to escape through the front door. And then, because things weren’t going swimmingly enough Nathan proceeds to kick his sister and then intentionally pushed the baby gate over on top of her. If I wasn’t mad before, that sent me over the edge. My throat hurts to talk, so yelling was really fun but we had some words before I sent Nathan to his room. He, screaming and slobbering all over the stairs told me he wasn’t going up. I picked up the screaming baby and told him he better get to his room NOW because I was so angry with him that I was ready to slap him. No, wait, the parent acting inappropriately?- it gets better.

I walked away to collect myself, call PC and let him know that the situation is continuing to escalate, so today would *not* be a good day to work late. Mackenzie went down for her afternoon nap, the clinic called to let me know that yes, in fact the strep test was positive but, the dr. was sort of busy so he probably wouldn’t get around to putting in the Rx until just before the pharmacy closes. Thanks beyotch.

Once Mackenzie woke up there was some fighting over a bottle of water. You know- those little Nursery water bottles of water? Oh right, you probably don’t feed those to your kids because you have fluoride in your water. My kids drink Nursery water and Nathan gets a little bottle in his lunch. Nathan, because he was being such a great big brother today decided to tease her every which way so finally I just went and got another bottle for her. Then he was upset because hers was newer. Same bottle. Same size. One slightly newer. So he goes and helps himself to another bottle and was about to open the cap when I snatched it. I explained to him that we already waste enough of these as it is. He was going to finish the first bottle before he had a second. He proceeds to act like a little stink, so I put the new bottle far back on the counter. He goes in, gets the step ladder, and in an act of pure defiance opens the bottle pulls up the top and takes a sip. I grab it from him, tip it over and squirt the entire thing on his head. Yep- and here I am admitting it to the entire internet. Im sure my mother is cringing a little.

I had officially reached the end of my rope. It was a bad afternoon and the fact that I felt like crap just made everything worse. Am I proud of the way I acted? No. Regrettable? Yes. Did I walk into the kitchen and start laughing after I did it? Absolutely. PC asked what the straw breaking the camels back was and I think that was it. When things start to get too dicey around here I tend to pull the EJECT lever and get us the hell out of the house. I don’t care where we go- we can just go put gas in the car, but the bottom line is must. exit. house. now. So we went to the shopette in search of slushies and a movie. We got to the counter and both Nathan and I set down our grape slushies. And, this was the one damn time he didn’t chew the straw up and I had no idea whose was whose. On a day that I didn’t have colony of bacteria residing in the back of my throat this wouldn’t be a big deal. Mackenzie is flinging herself forward in a futile effort to be put down so she can crawl. Hot, sweaty (fever?) and annoyed; I ask the lady if she can please just charge me for a THIRD DAMN SLURPEE so I can go get a fresh, uninfected one and leave. Deep breath.

I drove home, left the kids in front of the house in the car and called the pharmacy to see if the Rx was in. It was, so we headed to the clinic, waited the standard 30 minutes and headed home. By this time it was 4:30 and I was ready to feed these dudes and put them to bed. On days like today meals go to the lowest common denominator and since we had subway for lunch we ended up with breakfast for dinner.

A quick search landed us on this recipe and ho, it. was. good. I mean, you know its going to be a good waffle when the butter in the batter starts sizzling out and pools on the side of the waffle iron. And normally we don’t eat like this. Normally I’d modify the fat content in a recipe like this. But today? Today I said: Only 6 Tablespoons of butter? Why not make it a whole STICK. Because thats the kind of DAY ITS BEEN.

Its funny because I was just thinking about how great 4 is. Its like all of a sudden, Nathan embraced his 4 year old self and he was this totally new kid. He listens. He follows directions. He is polite. The other night he asked me if I could get his bike out for him and I told him not at the moment- I was cooking something on the stove. He then tells me, sincerely, “Oh, Im so sorry mom- I didn’t realize you were doing something. I can do it myself.” Wh-huh? Yeah, I wasn’t sure it was my kid either. But- thats the kind of stuff thats been going on around here. But today. That One day.

It started off with being a toy hog when we had friends over for brunch. He spent much of the morning in his room. It sort of just went downhill from there. The neighbor kids came over tonight and as much as I like them (I genuinely do) when the two of them and Nathan get in here its like all hell breaks loose in the house. Toys start flying all over, the house is trashed in a matter of minutes, Nathan starts jumping off furniture. Even though PC was supervising I could hear it….feel it happening from the kitchen and I started to feel my blood pressure go up. Then ‘Mc-into-everything’ is chewing on shoes and going for the stairs and eating every piece of dirt and fuzz of our filthy floor (Kimmy….where are you Kimmy?) and I told PC “OUT- SEND HIM OUT.” And he didn’t like that idea. And then he didn’t come home for dinner. And then he hit PC. And then he screamed child obsenities that he didn’t want his daddy anymore and didn’t want to live in this house anymore. Funny thing is the other day when he tried something like that and told me he didn’t want his sister living here and didn’t want to share and didn’t want this family; I told him that I understood and I had a solution: I put him on the front step, told him he could go find a new family, and shut the door. Turns out he didn’t really want  a new family.

He came out from his room for dinner (“mommy- I HAVE to eat my dinner because if I don’t eat all of my dinner I dont get dessert.”  Yes, he was pulling out all the stops) was good for dinner but as I was trying to scoop his ice cream he started licking the scoop, I told him to get out of the kitchen, he protested, PC’s last fuse blew, he escorted Nathan upstairs where there was more screaming and more child-obscenities and PC getting hit with a hanger. I went up there, tried to smooth things over and make the screaming STOP. I got hit in the face with a Nana, and we promptly gated his room so he couldn’t get out and left. Clearly there was nothing that was going to salvage the day, starting over tomorrow is the best we can hope for. My mom always reminds me that kids have bad days too, and this was certainly one of them.

So, can you just imagine, (Just EFFING IMAGINE) how my heart skipped about 18 beats when we got home tonight and I lifted the toiled lid in Nathan’s bathroom to find that it had not been flushed (no wait- that isn’t the gross part yet) but it was TEEMING with little worms. Ha, no I am not SHITTING YOU. HUNDREDS OF WORMS swimming around in there. We are all well aware of my aversion to vomit….but I kind of wanted to vomit a little. Both kids were asleep and PC was downstairs and panicked, I was all, “PC…….geeeeeeeeeet uuuuuup heeeeeeere” in the tone of voice that sent him not walking, not running, but flying up the stairs.

OMG OMG OMG OMG: this was all I could think. Worms-we-all-have-worms-OMG-un-EFFING-believable-we-all-have-worms-OMG-whatamigoingtodo?” OMG…. Me=panic stricken. Honestly- all I could think about again is WASHING everything and my sweet baby girl having WORMS and my sweet boy how I love him but am totally disgusted at the thought he has WORMS. So, I did what I had to do and it involved a q-tip and a baggie double baggies. And a camera. And 6 hand-washes afterwards.

Im really feeling the need to let my inner sailor out (my brother would be proud I think). Son of a BITCH. Im staring at this baggie of little gray and black worms as they are wrigling around in my baggie and BLECH. And even though they were double bagged- where the EFF do I put them? They are residing on the washing machine….it was the most neutral place I could think of and I will bleach it tomorrow.

After I carefully stowed our new pets I immediately turned to dr. Google. I googled pinworms again and my pets just dont resemble pinworms. They look like little leaches with nevermind, I’ll spare you the details. Anyway- I googled human parasites and went through image after image not quite finding a match. Then, thank the Lord, much like the pine nut debacle, one google hit caught my eye: Moth Larvae Cause a Stir in a Bathroom Toilet. A-EFFING-Men. See those pictures at the bottom? Those are my pets. They came from one of those stupid flies that Nathan always freaks out about when they are in the bathtub. WHO KNEW? To quote Clark W. Griswald Jr. “Hallelujah, HOLY SHIT.” You have no idea, NO IDEA how relieved I am that: PINWORMS, TREATMENT OF is not something I have to add to my to-do list this week.

Now, right about now you might be thinking “giiiirl,….you have way too many worm related issues- false alarms or not. Disgusting.” I don’t know what to say, this is real life and you read this blog because you want the real story, good bad or otherwise. Im a germaphobe and while I may not always be the NEATEST person, I think I do a decent job at keeping toilets scrubbed, floors vacuumed, trash emptied, and the house (mostly ?) worm free. Plus- I have my secret weapon Kimmy.

I had no idea those little moth/fruit fly looking bugs in the bathroom posed such a PROBLEM. We dont have many of them, maybe one a week and usually they are in Nathan’s bathroom….probably because its used less often so they can reproduce in the pipes. What I WILL add to my to-do list is figuring out what needs to be done to keep them at bay- lest we come back from being gone for the entire summer to have our house overtaken by worms. Enough already, Im grossing myself out.

Alright, must go pour more bleach down the toilet and make a note that tomorrow’s project will be reminding Nathan the importance of FLUSHING THE TOILET.

Mom and Dad….I’ll see you soon and I need a drink.

Tell me, do your days go anything like this?

The story of the home inspection that happened yesterday is this: shit is broken, shit is wired wrong, some shit was just built wrong to begin with, and the hot tub is like a dead beluga whale that washed up on our deck (that is ALSO wired wrong). But then there’s the zinger. The personal favorite of mine, if you will:

Crawl Space:

3. It appears a cat has been allowed to use the crawl space as a litter box for an extended period of time. I recommend the cat waste be removed.

What can I say? Un. Believable. I have been fuming all morning. I have some choice things to say but I know that cat lovers exist, at least a few, so I’ll reserve judgement. I don’t like cats, like, at all. Evidently, I should like a certain set of cat OWNERS even less. So, what Im wondering is, if this happened  a tenant or two ago do you think the property management company should pay for this, um, clean up? I realize its a stretch to expect a management company to check the crawl space for cat feces but at the very least they should have a non-refundable pet deposit for things like this. Our realtor said the buyers are feeling “jittery”….gee, ya think? They probably feel like they are buying one of those houses you hear about on the news. You know, the one’s where they uncover an old lady who’s squirreled away a few hundred cats under her roof.

(Alternative Title: Katie, help.)

Well, I’m not real sure where I should start….should I start with a little background on my germophobia or should I start with how my birthday has gone? Because the end result is still the same: PC is on his way to the ER with Nathan.

We’ll go with good news first. I still dont really feel like the next time someone asks my age I will have to say “thhhhhh-irty” but Im sure I’ll get used to it. I went running (walking) with the kiddos this morning and then we got coffee with the Starbucks gift card sitting on my pillow this morning. I missed any and all calls today because the Air Force (in their defense, this is something Congress has mandated, for reasons I can’t even begin to understand) decided to screw everyone over by changing our phones to Verizon and Guess! What!? They don’t work. Verizon sucks enough in the US, Im so glad someone deemed them worthy enough to handle international calls for the military. I could write you a novel on the wonderful ways your tax dollars are wasted put to use. But thats a story for another day.

When I went to drop Nathan off at school I saw a familiar face waiting there for me asking if I wanted to go to lunch. I told him I just had breakfast…..why didn’t he call me? I wouldn’t have eaten breakfast if he had called me and told me! To which he promptly reminded me that WE HAVE NO EFFING PHONE SERVICE, REMEMBER? (PC made it his sole mission today to make sure that the Air Force was well aware of how colossally stupid this choice was). So, I couldn’t really blame him for not giving me a heads up for his lunch plans and we went anyway. I came home and worked on some sewing projects, folded a mountain of laundry, enjoyed the quiet. Nothing out of the ordinary, but thats ok too.

PC said he was going to come home early and make dinner. He made an excellent grilled vegetable medley using local potatoes, carrots, and green beans, and then made steaks on the grill. We were going to have Banana’s Foster for dessert, but, this is where the story stops.

I’ve been pretty clear about my extreme fear of vomit on this blog. Its sort of been reaching critical mass lately and PC has suggested I might want to think about going to talk to someone about it because honestly, its starting to interfere a bit with daily life. Aside from vomit I can deal with most illness, but Im a little obsessive about germ spreading and hand washing and sharing cups and whatnot. I just hate sickness. Well thats not true, I can handle snot nose, cough, ear infection, and strep fine and Im pretty ok with fever but thats where my comfort level ends.

So you can imagine how thrilled I was when I self diagnosed my son with Pinworms while PC was making dinner. Oh, I know, you’re thinking dissss-guuuuuus-tiiiing. Go ahead, Google it, no, let me. Im right there with you, but when you come to this blog its because you want the real story. And so here it is. About 2 or 3 nights ago Nathan was about to get in the tub and started telling us his butt itched. We attributed it to a case of “notwiped” and moved on. He did it the next night so we put some good ‘ole fashioned diaper cream on it. And then today as we were coming home from school he let out this sort of shrieky whine telling me, “I CANNOT SCRATCH MY BUTT because I’m buckled in this carseat.” So, as much as I did NOT want to have to take him to the doctor for a case of scratchy ass I figured I better start consulting Dr. Google. And because we’re all about full disclosure here I was having a bit of trouble figuring out just WHAT to Google. “Child with scratchy butt?” “Child itching butt?” “Causes of anal itching in children?” Aside from diaper rash the number one cause of scratch ass in kids? Pinworms. Out-effing-standing.

You know, I don’t think I could ever be someone who homeschools their kids but let me tell you, the amount of childhood illness and NASTY that is out there and shared in a school environment is a compelling reason to consider it.

We are like a textbook case of pinworms. Its most common in preschool age children. Its highly contagious in close environments such as schools. It is easily transferred by toys. Its more likely in children who bite nails or suck their thumbs. Check check check.

Folks, this is going to be like lice. Its not going to kill us, its not even going to make us sick, but its going to be a bitch to get rid of. Dr. Google says ALL family members must be treated. Lest we become the itchy-ass family (seriously- how embarrassing?) And then my head starts swirling thinking about breastmilk safety, treating my sweet baby girl with worm pills (is it even safe for her?) and, my personal favorite, cleaning the toilet seat after EACH USE, AND washing all bedding and towels DAILY. Oh yeah, its a birthday wish come true.

I was actually just thinking the other day that I wish that someday I could find a way to stop being a nail biter. This may just do the trick. Here is what happens: child touches contaminated surface and gets pinworm eggs under his finger nails. Child then ingests them by not washing hands before eating or sucking thumb. Eggs take up residence in small intestine and hatch in about 3 weeks. Female pinworm makes her way through the intestine and then at night makes her way to her exit and lays eggs at night in that special spot….up to 10,000 at a time. The egg laying creates severe itching. Infected child itches egg laden bottom and then touches something where the eggs can survive on a surface for 2-3 weeks. New person touches that surface and the cycle continues.

I told PC I’d take Nathan to the doctor tomorrow and PC felt that since Nathan was uncomfortable we should start medicine sooner rather than later (and being in the military, medical care is free, trips to the ER are free, so whatev). So, no dessert, no curling up watching a movie together. Like I said, its not how I envisioned my 30th birthday panning out, but if nothing else it will certainly be a memorable birthday.